Supporting a Friend Diagnosed with Cancer: 9 Practical Ways to Help (Skip the Flowers!)
If your friend is diagnosed, what kind of help should you give?
Firstly, don't send flowers. It is a waste of money, very detached and has poor connotations of death. Also, when a patient is undergoing treatment, trust me that they cannot appreciate the flowers. I had a friend who sent an amazing arrangement, the most beautiful I have ever received and may be seen. But I couldn't look at it and register, which is actually a sad thing.
When you are in treatment, your world shrinks down completely to the very basic and treatment-centred. You actually don't need much and aren't going to be going out much. If I were to pack a gift box for a cancer patient, it would include the following items.
1. Several quality toothbrushes and three bottles of mouthwash. The mouth is one of the most sensitive areas to bacteria and you are told to brush and clean at least after every meal.
2. Body cream with Vitamin E. It is suggested that patients who may require radiation prepare for this as early as possible by moisturizing.
3. Several soft cotton head caps, if your friend will be undergoing chemotherapy. One baseball cap for outdoor activity. For most patients, the scalp will be a very sensitive and hot area, tough, itchy or hot materials which wrap around the head should be avoided. A friend gave me a quilted cotton blanket which I brought to all the chemo sessions, but you only need one of those, so I wouldn't suggest it unless you think yours is useful.
4. Several good books to read. A year-long devotional if they are religious.
5. Two bottles of an organic, clean-smelling or neutral shower gel. Treatment makes you overheat easily and you will need to shower a lot.
6. A stock up of basic clothes, plain cotton white tee shirts, cotton underwear, cotton bras, and thick new bath towels. If you are comfortable enough and know their size, understand that the washing cycle has now become much longer and they will need far more lightweight comfortable clothes to wear at home, to see them through. Don't buy them fluffy materials- your skin is very sensitive, at times painful and always hot through chemo, it is a time when you appreciate smooth textures and it is terrible and also unsanitary to deal with wool.
7. A box of N95 masks. Practically, they will need this to go out, or even in hospitals, as their white blood cell count will be extremely if not dangerously low at some point in treatment. And of course, the biggest gift is to not make your friend sicker, and be very careful about being in contact with them when you are ill, or near anyone else who is ill. Their low blood count means that they would not be able to recover, even from the simple flu, which may see them hospitalized for infection, bronchitis or pneumonia, which then delays and prolongs their treatment.
8. A box of mixed fruits. Bear in mind that most treatments prohibit bacteria or raw items (patients cannot, for example, eat cold cuts, salad, cheese, or sashimi). Choose fruits with a skin that can be peeled- oranges, pomegranates, or vegetables like kale, and wheatgrass. I take this with a pinch of salt, I was juicing religiously and 80% non-meat eating, but for what it's worth.
Because of their compromised immunity, patients do need to be careful with what they eat and for this reason, I would avoid giving them anything you have made yourself unless it is thoroughly cooked. I would avoid baked products and if you give granola, make sure it's a healthy and clean source.
9. There are other specific things like a humidifier, a heart rate monitor and something to keep them hydrated like an alkaline water dispenser, but these really differ and may need to be taken care of within the household.
The most obvious thing is probably that being sick is expensive. There are also non-treatment-specific things which a patient may find restorative, TCM, massage or help from a psychologist. The practical gift is definitely money. If this is not something you want to do, consider a voucher from the supermarket most nearby to their home. This is something that will definitely be appreciated as they stock up on food, given the amount of time they will have to stay at home.
Ask them what help they need and see it through- the most common are probably help with their children, picking up or dropping off children, cooking and delivering food, running errands, doing weekly grocery runs, helping them to sort out insurance claims or new policies for spouse and children, helping them with documenting a will, categorising and recording medical bills, claims and reimbursement. These are all necessities that need to be faced and it helps to have an extra set of hands and a sound mind, when the individual or family may be emotional and devastated these, rather than frequent phone calls or messages, is what they will most need, appreciate and remember.
If they are open to visits, definitely help them to pass the time and be cognizant that you need to do more talking than them, as they should be conserving their strength and pacing themselves to continue. Although you are understandably concerned about them, you are visiting because they want to live vicariously through your day, not because they want to relive and re-tell their own. Rather than start with the How are you feeling, ask if they have written it down anywhere where you can read, or if you can read up about how they are, before coming over. Treatment is very multi-sensory, it would take a long time to explain what you feel even physically and
The most helpful thing for me was actually giving them something hand-written. Whether a card, or a letter, it really soothed me to read someone's writing and thoughts. This is something that lights up their day and I really recommend it. The typed word doesn't necessarily have the same sentiment and neither do cards where you simply sign your name, try not to do that without actually writing a personal message they can hold on to.
